Category: Outside of the Box

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Till I Collapse

A collection of thoughts:

All I want right now is to run until my body can’t take it anymore.

Till I collapse.

It’s how I do it.

ALL OR NOTHING.

Forget political correctness.

Forget what YOU think I should do.

I’m not always concerned with “proper training and tapering”.

Regardless of if I’m training or racing: I simply want to push myself until I can’t push anymore.

I don’t care WHEN that happens, WHERE that happens, or WHY that happens.

I know the consequences of my actions.

I know it’s not smart.

I know it “gets you nowhere”.

Do you think I can’t feel the burning sensation from the break in my hip?

Do you think I don’t cringe every time the strained muscles scream at me when I move?

It is what it is.

I run for a different sort of satisfaction.

I crave the morning after a full day of running, when everything is so tight, I literally can’t move.

Maybe I run to feel pain.

Maybe I run because the pain is too much.

Maybe I run because I’m addicted.

Maybe you have no idea what it feels like to push past your limits..and then some.

I don’t care what it needs to be, or what it should be.

I push harder because I hate the things you say about me.

I will push until I can’t.

I won’t stop unless my body forces me to.

I will always work to push that point farther away.

Whatever it is. Whatever it isn’t.

I will run because I can.

I will run the way I want to.

Till I collapse.

I know what I'm made of.
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I crave running like he craves what??

Am I even allowed to write “SEX” on a blog about running? Hmm. Not sure about that one, but I promise you I can tie it all together.

My dear friend and former client, Ashley C, sent a package my way last week. I’m certain it was in hopes of cheering me up during this hip-broken-miserable-without-a-run period of awfulness, and God knows I needed it! Inside of the package was a very thoughtful and sweet card, and behind that, a book titled “FOR WOMEN ONLY”. The title alone had me ready and willing to drop everything, and do some serious reading. I thumbed through the first few pages, and before I knew it I was halfway through the book!

Continue reading “I crave running like he craves what??”

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Running Dream

I rub my eyes, and look over at my phone.

4am…Again.

Another running dream startled me awake out of a very deep sleep. I can easily recall every detail, because I’ve had this dream countless times…

Continue reading “Running Dream”

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Growl.

I’ve been right,
I’ve been left,
I’ve been wrong,
I’ve been left
behind,
I’ve been up,
But mostly down.
-(middle class rut “new low”)

Sunshine. Trails. Rain. Trails. Trails. [TRAILS.] Earth between toes. Wind against face. No plan. No reason.

Someone PLEASE get me out of this box and drop me in the middle of the woods. I’ll have to bear crawl my way home, but that will suffice. As long as I’m not stuck in this bed!

I tried to walk without crutches today and I fell. It was not cool. My mind is getting warped and it’s only been a couple of days. Humans weren’t made to be caged. I feel caged.
I don’t wanna know what mr orthopedic has to say tmrw. I know it’s bad news. Grr. Sean says I can take up wheelchair ultras. Ha. Thx nag.

Everyone else says “chin up!” But everyone else doesn’t know the kind of pain a girl feels when she’s detached from her world- Her place. Her LAND.

“You always learn and grow.” I know…
You know. But does that mean anything really changes? Or do we learn, grow, and suppress? Maybe both.
Sad.
I want to run. Fast. Hard. Up and down the highest mountains and the toughest climbs. I want to hurt. I want to feel and move.

I just don’t want to be stuck!

Growl. Fun to talk to myself!!!!!! Ha

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New Direction

So after a day of sulking in pain, being stuck in bed watching old movies, THINKING, and PRAYING, and finally just sitting still for a few hours.. My wheels started turning.

WHY would racing ultras not be in the works for me right now?
I know why. Because it’s self-serving.

WHY is something self-serving not in the works for me right now?
That’s easy. Just reread that sentence.

Too much focus on “me” is way toxic, and dangerous. Especially if I don’t realize it’s happening. When it starts to happen, even subconsciously, God smacks me down like a 4 year old in Kmart.

I learned a lot about life training to race Hinson and other races this fall. I definitely became a better runner and athlete, and (in my opinion though it doesn’t really count) a stronger person.
But that doesn’t mean a thing unless I put all of those life lessons I learned this year to good use.

Am I really making a positive and meaningful difference in the lives of others if I’m chasing my own dreams down? Nah.

So how can I remedy this? How can I bring my passion for running, racing, training, family, trails and LIFE all together in a way that pleases the God I live my life for?

Well.. I prayed about it while I sat here on my hurtin’ triple marathon+ injured and sore booty today, lol, and here’s what’s been flowing through my brain since:

It’s time for me to GIVE way more of myself instead of doing way more for myself.

I want to create some VERY low key, yet competitive, ultra races with 100% of proceeds going to various homeless shelters and food pantries in the Atlanta area. I have a few in mind.
I’m thinking maybe donations, and things like blankets, jackets, food, etc. as entry fees.

We have amazing trail systems here, like Yargo and Harbins, and all of us local runners have put together some crazy challenging routes to train on. I’d love to invite others to try their luck on some of our toughest training courses.

I have a huge amount of resources I can pull from to make it work. I also have some direct links to people in critical need, and ways to help them.

I’m going to keep moving in this direction and see where God takes it. Maybe it’s what He is wanting out of me. Maybe not. Only one way to find out. I’ll send out some emails today and go from there!

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Epic Fail

(Insert TMI- men please navigate away from this page)

In short, it wasn’t my day.
Friday night hit me with a massive and painful urinary tract infection. Saturday, 2 hours into the race, I started my period. I stopped in the bathroom after every other loop. 4 hours into the race, I started to feel the most weakening pain I’ve ever felt. It was awful from the get-go. My right leg locked up into a terrible grip, and it didn’t release- ever- no matter what I tried. OH BELIEVE ME, I ran through it- hard and fast. Tried to ignore it, got 3 separate deep massages, kept fueling perfectly, but only pulled out a total of maybe 14-15 painful hours, and only hit maybe 78miles. To sum it up: It sucked.

I literally cannot move my legs today. Did I do something awful continuing to push to almost 80 when I noticed the pain? Yeah of course. But that’s what I do. I’m stupid like that! Piriformis? Broken or dislocated bone? Whatever it is – its totally destroyed. Daniel is having to pick me up and carry me everywhere. Physical therapy may be in order, as I’m literally screaming every time I attempt to move. I can’t bear weight on my right side. If you know me well, you know it takes a lot for me to quit. And for once, I actually decided to quit.

SO. What happened? Where did this bad race come from?

It was just not His plan for me. I did everything RIGHT. I fueled right, ran right, trained right, rested right, paced smart, raced hard. Didn’t skip a beat. And I knew it was up to God to take care of the rest if He wanted to. And in the end, He didn’t want to.

So what did I learn ?

It’s a big one…

That was my last ultra race.

I knew that the moment I crossed the line on my last lap. I felt it, and it felt right. Maybe not forever. But- for awhile.

I know, you probably think I’m swearing them off because I can’t walk right now.

Actually, no. That’s not it.

It’s just time to move on..

As a side note –

I DO enjoy the people. That’s the only thing that was fun about today. I ran with so many of my good friends:
I got to have a long heart to heart with Ray K, run a few laps catching up with Bruce, Joe (early on when I had speed on my side!), sweet Beth, super funny Ami, and of course my all time favorite person in the world -Daniel. I also got to catch up with Naresh, who I met at my first ultra, and Kena one of my favorite runners around. All of the volunteers were superb, as they always are at ultra events… Bending over backward to cater to the runners. It was great to see everyone and socialize for a change.

So why quit if there’s still some fun?
It’s kinda deep. (duh, it always is)

..Because God’s not in it for me.
I’m positive now.
It has nothing to do with quitting. It’s something spiritual, something I’ve been praying about for some time.
I didn’t feel Him with me at all during this race. I wanted to so bad, but it just didn’t happen. I prayed the whole time, but I didn’t feel His guidance and blessing and strength that I usually feel. And that’s not something I’m willing to live without. If I don’t feel His presence in something important in my life, I leave it alone.

I’m done wasting time on things that I know God wants me to get rid of. I’m not even sure why He even wants me to get rid of it right now- but He does. I feel it in my gut. And thankfully, I’m fine with that. I can let it go. So I will. My relationship with Jesus Christ is THAT real and THAT meaningful to me. I’ll never let anything hinder it. It’s not just some religious game for me. It’s just a perfect God, a messed up me and a lifelong learning process to make me a better person to please Him. When it’s time for God to work on me- I feel it.. & right now I more than feel it.. I know it. So I’m gonna surrender what I feel like I need to, for Him to carve me into that person I’m meant to be. Simple as that.

(PSALM 127:1a Unless the Lord builds a house, the builders labor in vain.)

I don’t think I’m a terrible athlete. Nope. & Maybe I’ll come back to the sport one day to compete. I’ll definitely continue to run my own ultras! I seem to enjoy those long lonely runs much more anyway.. They’re beneficial to my growth.

We’ll see what happens in the future.

Until then,

Bye for now! 🙂

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Taper Things That SUCK.

I know. I keep talking about tapering. Whatev!

I go back and forth between hating a taper, and loving a taper. Right now, I HATE the taper.

1.) PHANTOM PAINS: Sorry Beth McCurdy for constantly bringing up the fact that I’m having random pains in our conversations. I know it’s probably annoying you.. why? BECAUSE ITS ANNOYING ME THAT I KEEP BRINGING IT UP, TOO. Dang. Phantom pains are random spurts of pain in random places that you’ve never had act up before- and they come on during rest. For me it’s been my right big toe, and my IT Band.. random. I haven’t had pain since I started back training from Clinch! So I did a little digging to try to figure out exactly what this madness is, and from what I can gather, it’s normal! Apparently the muscles take advantage of the rare rest period to repair micro damages from training. My first instinct was to “run it out” like I do everything else, but Daniel (and Beth…sorry again, Beth) talked some sense into me. I guess I’ll just “run it out” Saturday..for 24 hours… Delicious.

2.) PARANOIA, WORRYING, MOOD SWINGS (they’re all the same to me): “I think I’m paranooooidd!!!” good song! anyway… Paranoia is probably next on my Suck List. I think it’s in cahoots with reason number 1, too. Because I’m all freakin out thinking I have some type of running disease, and I can’t shake the obsessive worrying about it! Random things like that are plaguing me this week. I obsess over things I typically would never worry about! Now that I think about it , it’s during a taper when I realize just how much running really levels me out… scary thought too….I think about life before running and I start to feel really sorry for Daniel being married to nonrunner Ashley. Poor guy….. GEEZ… SEE?! I CAN’T STOP! I’m a mess. Oh yeah, the point is that I’m not ME during a taper. So I dug into this one too, and of course I already knew the answer: We experience mood swings, feelings of paranoia, and worrying in a taper due to our lack of running related endorphin, energy, and stress release. Duh. Any mom who runs can vouch on that one. Just ask the kids, “Mommy is being mean, she needs to run!” We know guys…we know…trust us.

3.) 2ND GUESSING: (Okay, I’ve really got to listen to myself on this one.) When we truly train for something, give it 110%, and set realistic expectations based on our training, there is really no reason to listen to the tiny devil doubter on the shoulder. Ugh he has been pestering me all week. I start thinking things like, “What if I didn’t train good enough?” (PULEASE.) My guess is the lack of confidence boosting workouts does a number on the brain. When I’m just sitting around carb loading and resting, it’s easy to think I’m really just eating crap and NOT working hard.. annnd then I feel like a major loser. NOT COOL. To remedy this, I’ve done some light boxing the past couple of days and a few tabatas to keep me hungry. It helps a bit, but it’s not running.

4.) BUYING RANDOM LAST MINUTE GEAR I NEVER TRAINED WITH: I always do this! Why? I don’t know. I think during my training, I’ll tell myself I need to buy “this or that” for my next race. But then, I’ll always wait until the day before a race to get it. It’s so lame. Daniel always laughs at me for this. He’s like “Why do you think [insert product] will make you run better?” — “IT JUST WILL! OKAY?!” Ha. For instance, I’ll run 50, 60 miles holding an ipod.. then come race day I’ll go to the store to buy an armband for it……. I know…. I’m an idiot. I rarely NEED or USE whatever it I buy, so its just money wasted. It’s no secret that we all want to perform our best during a race, and maybe we buy things that we think will help us do just that?… Not that they will, but we don’t care. I say WE because I know I’m not the only one! My friends do it too! Whether it’s new shoes, medicines, fuel, clothes, herbal supplements—- we always grab something right before a race! But we rarely grab it right before long training runs! Daniel always just rolls with it, but I know it annoys the heck out of him.. He’s thinkin, “WOMAN, PLEASE.”

5.) NOT RUNNING GIVES ME TIME TO NOTICE OTHER THINGS I SUCK AT IN LIFE: Like really, come on… is my house THAT bad? Yeah. Apparently it is… But I never notice it until a taper. I guess it’s not my fault though, because God didn’t give me the super cleaning lady gift, only the endurance gift. (Not Cool, Bro!) And due to reason 2, I start to bash myself on how awful I am at everything else in my life, and I feel less than happy. I will say, however, that the extra energy and time does allow for some fixing of things. But if you’re cool like me, you’ll get a little too into your OTHER STUFF (mine=cleaning) and injure yourself. [yes I injured myself cleaning: I actually sliced my thumb open during this taper while trying to get wax off the living room table with an exacto knife! It plunged right into my left thumb instead of the wax… 5 stitches… Exquisite.]

SO. I’m almost done with this week of eating, head banging to pump-me-up metal music, and NOT running. Pretty soon I can get back to eating, running, and NOT head banging [as much]. Maybe I’ll even have an emotionally charged rambling race recap from Hinson Lake [if [IF] I actually make it out alive.. key word IF, here.]

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All in His hands.

Brooklyn deleted my last post. So I’ll write what’s on my mind:)

I believe absolutely everything in life happens for a reason. Yeah, I’m definitely the annoying person who hits a red light while running late and comments that “maybe God’s saving us from a major accident” ..ha

I don’t believe so much in coincidence, or fate.. But rather an intricately and intelligently designed super plan for the universe and all of it’s inhabitants.

I guess that world view has a direct impact on my training, because I am completely at peace and relaxed about everything. I trained my guts out. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could possibly do to train and run. And every day I prayed that God would bless my training, and guide me through each day. In fact I also prayed that if I wasn’t meant to run, he would take the time and ability away. However, every day brought a large chunk of solid training, and I rolled with it. I also prayed for balance and to never let running become MY LIFE and not just a portion of my life. (After all, I’m mom and wife before anything else- and ALL of those duties come first.) I did my part, and everything fell into place. I’m relaxed in knowing that I did my part in preparation.

So now it’s almost time to start racing. Maybe God will bless my training, maybe He won’t. I’m fine with that. I have no control of the elements, the weather, what goes on deep inside my body, or how anyone else performs during a race. But I know I will be fine with how everything plays out this season, because I know I did my part, and the rest is out of my control. Because whatever happens HAPPENS because in some way, shape or form, it’s meant to happen.

I love not being able to see the bigger picture. Sometimes the tiny portion we do see doesn’t make sense, but I find comfort in knowing that the bigger picture is definitely beautiful… And one day…we get to see the whole thing. One day.

Pretty incredible to think about.

So all that to say: Can’t wait to race! Its going to be fun no matter if its a great race season for me, or if it sucks worse than any I have ever had! Ha. I mean really… Running is fun. Hanging with friends- fun. Traveling with a gorgeous man- REALLY FUN. What’s not to be excited about? No pressure here! I’m gonna play hard, try hard, run hard, give it all 110% and THEN SOME..and the rest is out of my control. I’m ready to see what God does the rest of this year. Good or bad, I’m content.:)

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LETTING IT ALL OUT.

Grind time.
Eat. Sleep. Breath.:running

ILL FIND STRENGTH IN PAIN.

Here we go.

I can feel myself heating up with aggression and competition during my runs. Especially the fast ones. Trying so hard to hold back.

My guess, is it’s probably very entertaining to watch a hormonal & emotional wreck try to control herself.

Because I’m me- so of course I can’t help but release it.
Good. Bad. Ugly.
…As usual.

Oh well, I’d rather be a REAL failure than a perfect FAKE.. That’s for sure.

But the One that really matters.. The One it’s all for- He doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t judge. He just loves. He accepts.

& I’m glad.

The truth is:
I’m fueled by so much right now. And running solely off passion and emotion, it’s hard to stop it all from flowing out right onto the trail.

Every thing is all stored up inside, and I literally RUN OFF of it.

Who needs gels…

Every little backhanded comment, every piece of verbal abuse, each stupid lie, deadly drug, every toxic drink… every loss, false hope, and bashed dream- all of it. Anything that has ever littered my short 24 years of existence.

I’m letting it all out.

& It’s all leaving through my feet.

And all I’ve gotta say now:

TRY AND STOP IT.

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Meet The Naysayers

If you have ever attempted to run and maintain very high weekly mileage, set a huge running goal, or maybe tried anything & failed- but dusted off for another go…then this is for you! 😉

Ever encountered The Naysayer Family?

You’ve got Mrs. Naysayer, aka mom, constantly reminding you of how worried she is of your (so-called) “addiction” to running. She thinks you’re obsessed and malnourished. She doesn’t understand why in the world you would do something silly like RUN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN THE WOODS.. Who does that!!!? Well you do!….And mom Naysayer thinks you’re nuts and refuses to encourage your efforts.

There’s the little sister, Jade Naysayer, who actually runs quite bit. But she isn’t “obsessed” like you. She would never dare train as hard or as often as you, of course, because that would just be messed up. Maybe because Jade doesn’t want to or care to.. But either way- Jade is a tad angry of her lack of discipline and motivation to try anything harder. She stabs you with her friendly questions of, “What does your husband think about you running so often?” and “When do you spend time with your kids?” …..(grr!) its obvious that she subconsciously [or totally intentionally] decides to try to make you feel bad about your efforts. Jade secretly wishes for your failure, too. You can tell, because she’s just a little too happy to hear about a DNF. “Frenemy”,… anyone? Jade steps up to that plate!

Can’t forget Papa Naysayer.. Dude seriously doubts your efforts and doesn’t hold back saying so. He thinks you’re a weird fitness freak and wonders why you never join him for fried chicken every Sunday. He loves ya regardless, but just don’t mention the R Word around him because then he might treat you like his red headed step child.

Ahh…but the WORST Naysayer of all? That’s Big Brother Naysayer.
Big Bro is your blood… a fellow ultrarunner.. and someone you have always confided in about your goals, hopes, and dreams. He knows you’re crazy! But, he’s seen you train hard and push past limits. He knows the odds aren’t against you…
But he hears others doubting you, and he caves — big bro joins in to throw a log on your huge fire of doubters! Dang. He cuts you pretty freakin deep with a backhanded comment or two. Maybe even nothing he meant to say!? Ah, but he said it..didn’t he. And you now know how he REALLY feels about your crazy training and goals. Ouch, bro.

No matter which one slams you the hardest on any given day– they all cut you deep enough that you start to doubt yourself… start to think that maybe you are a little crazy? They’re all right.. Aren’t they? If someone -JUST LIKE YOU- thinks your head isn’t screwed on just right.. Maybe it’s time to find a doctor???

Yikes…!!!

But then you realize something you knew all along: You don’t need to listen to what anyone else says about you, or to you, because–
You are the same old you!
Good, bad and ugly, you know exactly who you are.

YOU are determined to learn things the hard way. I mean, really if you’ve come this far into the school of hard knocks- may as well find out what the dang lesson is this time!
YOU are the person that won’t even join a freakin running club or membership of any sort – simply because you don’t like knowing that the someone who invited you to it won you over! You are definitely that messed up in the head! Just be a normal runner! Geez..
YOU are so stubbornly competitive, disgustingly so, even. Enough to where you don’t like other recreational runners to pass you while doing loops at the local park (who cares if you’re on your 10th 3 mile loop?!!!!)

But wait….

Yeah you’re strange, but does that have anything to do with your ability to achieve your dreams? Or maybe, just maybe.. Does it help?!

YOU have succeeded at the impossible when everyone else [literally] had money on you to fail.
YOU “never know when to quit”- like Naysayer mom always said – but that’s not totally a bad thing, right?
YOU have NEVER been who ANYONE wants you to be or expects you to be. And that makes you, YOU.
YOU actually thoroughly enjoy running for hours on end in the dark.. because it makes you feel fun and free like a little kid.
(How many people can actually agree with the above statement?!)
YOU have your priorities in line!!! Your family comes first, always. Before running, before anything! You know you’re not hurting anybody with your crazy mileage. So why quit?
YOU are a freakin fighter. You’ve been to Hell, and back again, so many times in your life. Why change anything that’s worked for you before, simply because no one understands it.

So it’s settled then.. You’re gonna ignore those lame Naysayers and fight to your finish.. Just like you always do!

You’re not an amazing runner, no. But you’ve got HUGE goals and Everest size dreams in your little running world. Your heart is totally and completely 100 percent devoted & that’s all that matters for now.

YOU WILL GO FOR IT.
YOU WILL KEEP TRAINING HARD.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, says or does. You’re going to continue running all of those “senseless junk miles” (because you KNOW what works for YOU!)

DUH, The Naysayers think you’re quite a big, ridiculous, no-good, crazy running mess.

But do you really care what they think?

Nah…

Because if you did care, you’d be just like everyone else!

And what have we learned here?

Everyone else is NOT YOU.

…..Time for a long run….

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