(Insert TMI- men please navigate away from this page)
In short, it wasn’t my day.
Friday night hit me with a massive and painful urinary tract infection. Saturday, 2 hours into the race, I started my period. I stopped in the bathroom after every other loop. 4 hours into the race, I started to feel the most weakening pain I’ve ever felt. It was awful from the get-go. My right leg locked up into a terrible grip, and it didn’t release- ever- no matter what I tried. OH BELIEVE ME, I ran through it- hard and fast. Tried to ignore it, got 3 separate deep massages, kept fueling perfectly, but only pulled out a total of maybe 14-15 painful hours, and only hit maybe 78miles. To sum it up: It sucked.
I literally cannot move my legs today. Did I do something awful continuing to push to almost 80 when I noticed the pain? Yeah of course. But that’s what I do. I’m stupid like that! Piriformis? Broken or dislocated bone? Whatever it is – its totally destroyed. Daniel is having to pick me up and carry me everywhere. Physical therapy may be in order, as I’m literally screaming every time I attempt to move. I can’t bear weight on my right side. If you know me well, you know it takes a lot for me to quit. And for once, I actually decided to quit.
SO. What happened? Where did this bad race come from?
It was just not His plan for me. I did everything RIGHT. I fueled right, ran right, trained right, rested right, paced smart, raced hard. Didn’t skip a beat. And I knew it was up to God to take care of the rest if He wanted to. And in the end, He didn’t want to.
So what did I learn ?
It’s a big one…
That was my last ultra race.
I knew that the moment I crossed the line on my last lap. I felt it, and it felt right. Maybe not forever. But- for awhile.
I know, you probably think I’m swearing them off because I can’t walk right now.
Actually, no. That’s not it.
It’s just time to move on..
As a side note –
I DO enjoy the people. That’s the only thing that was fun about today. I ran with so many of my good friends:
I got to have a long heart to heart with Ray K, run a few laps catching up with Bruce, Joe (early on when I had speed on my side!), sweet Beth, super funny Ami, and of course my all time favorite person in the world -Daniel. I also got to catch up with Naresh, who I met at my first ultra, and Kena one of my favorite runners around. All of the volunteers were superb, as they always are at ultra events… Bending over backward to cater to the runners. It was great to see everyone and socialize for a change.
So why quit if there’s still some fun?
It’s kinda deep. (duh, it always is)
..Because God’s not in it for me.
I’m positive now.
It has nothing to do with quitting. It’s something spiritual, something I’ve been praying about for some time.
I didn’t feel Him with me at all during this race. I wanted to so bad, but it just didn’t happen. I prayed the whole time, but I didn’t feel His guidance and blessing and strength that I usually feel. And that’s not something I’m willing to live without. If I don’t feel His presence in something important in my life, I leave it alone.
I’m done wasting time on things that I know God wants me to get rid of. I’m not even sure why He even wants me to get rid of it right now- but He does. I feel it in my gut. And thankfully, I’m fine with that. I can let it go. So I will. My relationship with Jesus Christ is THAT real and THAT meaningful to me. I’ll never let anything hinder it. It’s not just some religious game for me. It’s just a perfect God, a messed up me and a lifelong learning process to make me a better person to please Him. When it’s time for God to work on me- I feel it.. & right now I more than feel it.. I know it. So I’m gonna surrender what I feel like I need to, for Him to carve me into that person I’m meant to be. Simple as that.
(PSALM 127:1a Unless the Lord builds a house, the builders labor in vain.)
I don’t think I’m a terrible athlete. Nope. & Maybe I’ll come back to the sport one day to compete. I’ll definitely continue to run my own ultras! I seem to enjoy those long lonely runs much more anyway.. They’re beneficial to my growth.
We’ll see what happens in the future.
Bye for now! 🙂