Today I spent the day in deep thought. Why? Because I had absolutely nothing else to do!
The past month has been a little strange.. Okay.. Really strange.
I have had absolutely ZERO motivation or interest to do ANYTHING- including running, training, talking to my friends, cleaning, looking cute, going anywhere. Basically I feel dead. My whole body hurts. And I simply do not care.
I can trace it back to one moment: I had to take a medication this month that apparently contains 50x’s the hormones of a birth control pill…. Yeah… I am assuming that this made me go haywire, and I’m probably right.
(not that i wasnt already a hormonal mess. My 25th year of life has basically been one giant hormonal train wreck!!)
However, in this down time of running, I’m starting to not really crave ultra running any more. Weird. I would like to say its been replaced by some other weird craving, but it just hasn’t. I have had the time to think and observe my participation in the sport, and I guess I’m kinda not feeling it any more.
It feels too popular for me now. I’m such a loner, and I feel like I need to find something more LONERISH (???) again. I have no clue what that might be, but maybe I’ll start looking.
Amber and I have had several conversations about our internal need to BE different and unique. Great conversations… Realizing it is hard to feel unique if there are a million other people who can do what you do. I know that is really stupid and childish to think that way, but it’s just what has been going through my mind. No point, nothing to prove, just thoughts.
100’s will never totally lose their appeal. Nor do I have any interest in not racing them. I just think I’m a little less obsessed with the whole thing now.
I still am obsessed with running in the woods by myself for hours on end- I mean- face it, that takes balls if your a chick these days. It makes me feel brave. And it’s fun. I love being outside and exploring the amazing creation around me by myself.. so nah; that won’t stop. I like that too much about my life.
I guess I’m just finally starting to fall out of love with it. Maybe I just LIKE it now instead. Or maybe I’m just so DONE with society as a whole that Ultras have now been tossed into that mental wreckage. Maybe I’m just a basket case because of that dang medication? Geez I dont know!
But regardless- I’m headed to Double Top to see if the 100 mile love affair is still thriving. Maybe I just need to poke the flame…