I just need to write. Don’t expect any quality writing, grammar, humor, or depth from me today. This is just straight up raw emotion and thoughts.
I went out to run today. I couldn’t do it. My legs simply still do not work. I have no motivation, no ambition, no drive. No Ashley.
I ended up just plopping down on the middle of the single track trail and crying my eyes out. Crying and praying and hurting… asking God what the heck happened to me and when did I lose myself?
I then noticed a snake slide past me, and all I could think about was how much I’d like to tackle it- to slice off his head, throw him over my shoulder to save him for later, and trample into a jungle like the wild woman I am.
I thought about the craziness of this and started part laughing and crying even more.. and I’ve been crying ever since.
I think part of this crazy weird stuff I’m going through is that I crave so much to be raw. I’ve written it a billion times on this blog- I want to be set free in the wilderness. I want to take my family and move to a place that has no planes, trains, automobiles, and money obsession. I want to get my food straight from the Earth and have to work to find it. I want to explore the highest mountains and get lost deep inside of the planet with nothing but my heart to guide me.
I think it all hit me really hard today because last week I thought I was crawling out of this dark pit of overtrained burnout, and I obviously thought wrong. I was excited to see if I had that bounce in my step, and it just simply wasn’t there. I want SO bad to actually WANT to perform right now, but I just don’t care. All I can think about is- Get out of here. Run. Fix yourself… but I’m stuck and I can do none of the above.
I don’t think a person can ever really understand what this feels like unless they have been there. It feels like Hell. I thought it sucked to be “tired” or “fatigued” from running, but those were childs play. What really sucks is to have no interest, no ability, and no drive to do the one thing you absolutely LOVE to do- for me that is to run…to run fast far and free. When you are stripped of the things you love you feel inhuman. You feel completely depressed and detached from life. You feel like a black hole.
So here I am trying to sort through all of this…
And I’m still sorting.
I don’t have an answer for why I am dealing with this intense craving to turn into Ashley Grylls, and I don’t have an answer for why I seemed to have lost my ability to run.
I will say this tormented brain of mine has brought about a couple of decent articles for my UltraChicksUnite site I’m about to post.
Maybe that’s what all of this is about? I have always believed that absolutely everything in life has a purpose and impact on the next. I believe that everything is interconnected like a huge giant puzzle. So maybe I’ve lost my ability to run so my crazy brain will have the emotion and energy to produce some quality writing. Maybe my desire to explore is leading me in another direction entirely.
*wipes the eyes* Okay, Ash. Fix yourself..Find yourself.. Focus.. Conquer..