Couldn’t sleep- up at 3am. Not abnormal. My brain wouldn’t shut off, so I decided to write out everything I was stuck thinking about! Kind of like a journal, I guess (one that thousands of people read every month??) Doesn’t matter to me. It won’t make sense to ANYBODY, it doesn’t flow or necessarily fit together, but I like to document my brain when it runs rampant in this direction.
How’s that recliner you’re loungin in?
Did you enjoy your conveniently boxed in meal?
Was your hour long drive too and from your luxurious office nice and smooth?
Did you feel GOOD in your clothes?
Did you get a good nights sleep under that warm down blanket?
How about the gym- was it well air conditioned for you? Did you go for a swim? Pool wasn’t too cold- right? Treadmill treat you nice?
Is your ginormous house just not quite big enough? Need more?
Were you comfortable today?
I don’t like it.
I wish I did.
But I just don’t.
I get so sick of being comfortable.
I hate hearing people complain about being uncomfortable.
I just crave to be human—not American version 2.0 human–like the real living breathing hunting hiding racing striving surviving species.
And I don’t know how to get there.
I feel so claustrophobic sometimes, wrapped up in this ridiculous convenient and comfortable world.
I can’t ignore the overwhelming sense that living a day to day meaningless cycle of bills, schedules, and busyness results in missing the biggest adventure- the grandest picture.
I feel like I’ve fallen captive to a dumbed down world of comfort – all while missing my calling to be who I am made to be. Wild at heart. To raise my children how I feel they need to be raised. To exemplify faith in ways I feel I’m not able to in my current setting.
I’m finding that this has manifested itself into spending more and more hours alone daily in the woods.
But it’s not about running anymore.
I can’t figure it out-yet I can’t ignore it.
So I’m constantly stuck craving this permanent change with no idea on how to make it.
What –do I pick up my family and just BAM relocate to South America? Australia?
Nope. It doesn’t work that way.
So I suppress that part of me, and bring it out for adventures. All I can do?
Yeah I think so.
I think it’s like living a double life. Part of me belongs in the wild unknown, part of me is fine with living the daily life.
But just adventuring alone doesn’t change my discontent with contentment! I don’t want to be comfortable: so I find ways to make everything hard. I don’t want to be perfectly happy, because I know that the real reward is in the struggle.
So. Every day I create some kind of pain-
100 miles of running
Pushups until my arms collapse
Staying awake all night just to fight through the next day.
Climbing a mountain a few times a week with a 4 year old on my back- multiple trips up- just because it makes my legs scream?
Beating a heavy bag until all of my knuckles are bleeding.
…. I guess I just find ways to shut up that inner need?
I think God knows I want to forego my shot at the American dream. He made me this way, after all. Yet I don’t know if thats what He wants for me and my family? I’m thankful to be living in such a blessed place. A safe place. A stable place to live freely-wouldnt all of those things I want be ridiculous reasons to sacrifice the above? Just because I want to switch to survivor mode and take to the wild doesn’t mean Brett and Brooklyn do. But would they be happy? Daniel would be perfectly fine to relocate to an untraditional way of life. I know that. So is that option there to take that dive? Maybe?
I wonder if I’ll ever know?
I wonder if I just need more guts to know?
My mom always told me that since I was born- I’ve been like a horse in the cage: restless.. waiting for my chance to race. She’s right.
A verse from the book of Job that’s always appealed to me:
It’s like I want to RACE life.. Always searching for that adrenaline rush. Hungry for the uncertainty. Thirsty for the excitement. Ready to go.
Unwilling to be comfortable & completely willing to do what I have to do no matter the pain to find that way of life I want to experience.
Wonder if I’ll ever get my chance.