It’s hard for me to believe that it was two and a half years ago when I ran my first ultra race: Strolling Jim 40 Mile Run. I was bound and determined to prove to myself, my family, my friends..anybody and everybody.. that I could turn my once drug addicted self into someone inspirational. Someone worthwhile.
I’ll never forget how incredible that day felt. It hurt so freakin’ bad, but every single mile was just so beautiful. Beautiful not just because of the scenic countryside, but because I spent hours of it dealing with myself. I took those hours of being alone and dug deep into my heart. I slugged it out with any mess that I felt didn’t belong in there. I always say that every mile that day was a mile further away from who I used to be… and that’s completely true. Because when I crossed that finish line -with Temper Trap’s “Sweet Disposition”- filling my ears (yes. random)….I became a different woman: confident, strong, and completely renewed.
Photo by Ray Krolewicz
As a result of my first 40 mile therapy session, my running naturally progressed further. I ran my first 100 mile run that December, just 2 years after I started running entirely. I learned how to use the hard things I had been through in life, and turn it into powerful running fuel. So when I was faced with adversity during that race, I could easily overcome it with thoughts of things that I’d conquered that I felt were worse. Immediately after that 100, I only wanted to run ultras more and more. I was addicted to the act of running. It just felt so good to move and to conquer things in my life. I needed it…
But eventually, I got way too much of a good thing, and ended up destroying my body more than a few times because I literally could not stop mentally. If you’re a follower of this blog, than you’ll remember when I nearly died at Fort Clinch 100 when my body almost succumbed to rhabdo. Then again, at Hinson Lake 24 hour, when I tore two muscles and stress fractured my hip. I was scaring everyone around me with my “inability to except boundaries”. I knew that, but I refused to quit. I wasn’t done hashing it out with myself. But at Ancient Oaks 2011, I came full circle. I used that race as an opportunity to prove to myself and everyone around me that running ultras were good for me, and that I NEEDED them… because I did. I finished that Ancient Oaks successfully, and felt complete satisfaction in knowing that I left everything on the course….everything including my need for running therapy.
I NEED To Do This….Right?
Fast forward to this year, and it’s been nothing but sunny smooth sailing. Things haven’t been easy in my life this year, but I’ve never been more content. I’ve felt no real need to run since Ancient Oaks last year. I’ve felt no need or desire to push myself in a way that I used to. Instead, that desire was replaced with adventure. And I spent the year traveling and running in places for the sheer beauty and act of running.
By fall of this year, though I had done of ton of crazy adventure running and playing in the woods, I hadn’t done any real racing of any sort.
…Guess I should sign up for a 100… I thought.
So I sent Mike Melton, RD of Ancient Oaks an email requesting an invite to run his race. I was invited to run, I filed it into my brain as a “must train”, and that was that. Over the next few months though, I never put in any serious ultra training. I had every intention of doing so. Instead I just screwed around on the trails taking every day in stride. Whatever happened, happened.
I didn’t feel like busting my butt and training hard again. I didn’t feel like taking hours away from my family on the weekends, or waking up at an ungodly hour to get any miles in. So I simply just didn’t train more than I felt I could squeeze into a normal week.
Daniel, Jen, and Amber, whom I talk with every day, all told me to back out of the race, because they could tell I didn’t really want to do it, but I insisted that I needed it:
“I need to run a 100! My blog is about running 100’s for crying out loud!”
“I haven’t done a 100 in a year. I’m gonna lose cred if I don’t do something again.”
“I know I’ve been out running long in the wilderness but what does that count for? I need a 100 on paper!!”
Every reason seemed completely logical to me. So despite my lack of caring or training, Daniel and I decided to make the trip down to Florida with the kids so I could give Ancient Oaks 100 another go. The race is in South Florida near the coast, so we made a long weekend out of the trip, and decided to spend our time at the beach. Our family needed the weekend together. Dan works 3 hours away, so we don’t get to see him during the week much, and both of our kids are in school full time this year. Getting the four of us alone together doesn’t happen as much as we would like it to.
So needless to say, I was a little bummed when Saturday finally rolled around and that meant I had to leave my family at the beach and go race.
“I need to do this…right? I haven’t finished a 100 all year. But, do you think I can even finish?” I said as we drove down to the race.
“Sure you can finish easily. It’s just a matter of if you want to. Personally, I don’t think it matters that much to you any more.” he said, “But I know you’re gonna go for it any way. You always have to learn things the hard way.”
“But this is what I’m about. This is the kinda crap I do. I’ll be fine once I get out there.”
“Well then go do it! Go finish another 100. It’s only a day. I’ll have fun being alone with the kids. A daddy day. I hardly get to see them any more. Just enjoy your day out on the trails!”
Out Of Place?
We got to Ancient Oaks with just a few minutes to spare before the start. I found Mike Melton ,the race director and a long time friend, and gave him a big hug and thanked him for inviting me out to his race again. Then I found my buddy Bruce, and together we waited for the race to start.
“You’re gonna do great, Ash.” Bruce said, knowing that I was completely under trained. “Just relax and have fun.”
I’m definitely relaxed, I thought, as I looked at everyone around me, maybe too relaxed. I realized after observing the fellow racers that I felt very out of place. I wasn’t wearing any gear or even holding a water bottle, I wasn’t a bundle of nerves or excitement. I had not put any preparation into doing the race this year. But none of that bothered me… I just wanted to run in the woods.
(*Please take note of the insanely legit #AASugar shirt. Photo by Michelle Matys)
Mike Melton shouted a quick GO! and we all took off for 29 3.4 mile loops of sand and twisty technical trail running. I settled into a comfortable pace with the lead pack and quickly fell into a good groove chatting with Shannon McGinn, Bruce (Sung Ho Choi), Brad Lombardi, and Will Glover.
Though I was expecting immense pain to cripple me early on in the race, that really didn’t happen. My left knee was hurting like a mother, and the chronic Joplin’s neuroma pain I’ve dealt with for years was flaring up, but I tuned it out like I taught my body to do years ago. After a few loops, I began to really enjoy myself! It wasn’t until 20 miles in, when I randomly started puking my guts up onto the trail did I start to question my decision to be at the race.
…are you freakin’ kidding me? I’m puking already?? This can’t be a good sign…
Turns out, due to my racing rustiness, I had forgotten to take any electrolyte replenishment the first few hours of the race… oops. Mike Melton helped me get my act back together with these random magic papaya pills–sounds like drugs but they’re actually available at Walmart–and got me on my way again!
By the 50k mark I had completely found my happy running place. Man, who cares that I hadn’t raced all year because puking or not, my legs didn’t skip a beat. I was loving life, loving running, and totally immersed in the moment. I cranked up my ipod and literally just started rocking all the frick out to Dead Sara mid run…. not gonna lie, it was pretty crunk, and I pray to God that nobody saw it. (Dead Sara Weatherman video is below for those of you unfamiliar with her awesomeness.)
Thanks, Dead Sara. Anyway…That vibe lingered the majority of the day. 100 miles or not, it simply felt good to be out there running.
…Maybe this thing was a good decision after all…
As the day progressed, I kept running and pushing. I was enjoying running in the woods and running well, and surprised by how little the run was taking out of me. The only thing I was truly battling was my inner desire to be at home with my family.
Songs would pop up in my playlist that made me think of my kids, or Dan. And Lil Jon’s Get Low came up making me think of mountain running with Amber. And I just kind of got sad. I felt deep down that my heart wasn’t totally in this race, and I’d rather be doing other things at the moment. But at the same time, the tough side of me was shouting Shut the frick up and run you big baby!!!
I had kind of adopted Michelle Matys and Brooke Berns as my quasi crew. And often when I would see them, I would explain that this mental struggle was going on in my brain. They would remind me to stay in the moment, and that I would see my kids in the morning. I was thankful for that. Because I honestly needed to be reminded that I needed to race. It kind of sucked to realize that, but they kept encouraging me through it. I wasn’t expecting any crew help until well into the night when Caleb Wilson and Jen Vogel would be coming out to push me through to the finish, so I was very thankful for Michelle and Brooke!
Loop after loop went by and I continued running alone. Somewhere around 60 miles or so, as evening fell, I was getting a little tired of running. However, I knew I was there to run a 100, so I stayed my course. I headed out into the woods for another lonely loop and stumbled upon Dave Krupski, a fun loving ultrarunner. I guess he could sense my lack of true motivation…
“Keep running hard!” he shouted to me, “It’s AshRuns100s, not AshRuns50s!”
I laughed at his remark and shouted back, “Hey Bueller,” noticing his Ferris Bueller shirt, “How’s ’bout you come out and run a lap with me. I’m getting lonely!” He agreed and we took off into the woods together.
I realized once we started moving that Beuller (Dave) may or may not have consumed a smidgen or so of alcohol, and his spirits were exceptionally high. In fact, they were higher than mine.. And that’s saying a lot, because the amount of energy in my giddy ultrarunning infused brain is pretty hard to duplicate. I started off the loop by feeling out his humor level and quoting lines from the movie Zoolander. When he responded with the same amount of dorky quotes, I knew that we had the same sense of humor and the loop was going to be a blast. I instantly pulled out my Roofus voice, you know, the crazy voice I lock into when I’m having fun, and insisted Dave do his own Roofus & Dangemon-esque voice. He did. And I named his character Buellah. And from that point on, until forever, Dave Krupski will be known to me as “Buellah”. Not Buell-er, but Buell-ah. Big difference…
So Buellah and I spent that entire loop walking and running through the dark woods, laughing our freakin’ butts off about the most ridiculous crap I couldn’t even begin to tell you about. I literally stopped running several times and just stopped to hold my gut and laugh….because my stomach hurt so bad from laughing. It reminded me of being out in the woods with my best friend, Amber. It just felt so dang good to be having fun.
…This is the kinda stuff I love! This is FUN!… I thought to myself. I appreciated the direction my brain was going in, because I really needed to be distracted from the fact that I wasn’t that into the race.
After finishing that loop, we walked by the aid station and Mike informed me that I was winning the race because Shannon, the kick butt chick in front of me had decided to drop.
I kind of chuckled to myself when I realized I was winning…. Winning? Pshhh. I ‘m not winning this race…. I thought. I mean last year–LAST YEAR I was winning. I was trying. But this year,…shoot. I was just out in the woods hangin’ with my friends.
Shortly after realizing I was leading the race, Jen arrived. I convinced her to come out into the woods with me and Buellah in an effort to keep moving and distracted. I had imagined all along that once Jen, one of my best friends, made it to the race to pace me, that we would turn into a drill sergeant combo of work like we had the year prior, and we’d get the crap done. The funny thing is though, the exact opposite happened.
We weren’t running or cranking out any hardcore ultra moves. Nahh… we just let the true nature of our friendship come out, and we started doing what we do best: laughing. So, walking through the forest with flashlights and tossing around an insane amount of witty and ridiculous banter…the 100 mile race continued…
And I was okay with that.
The loop with Jen and Buellah started out with us laughing about the irony of me winning a race that I had no business being at…
“Ashley, here you are barely moving, chomping on a d*** twizzler, acting like some fool named Roofus and you’re still winning this thing?’ Jen laughed.
“Yeah Ash, this is the most epic most inspirational display of winning I’ve ever seen.” Buellah chimed in.
It was so funny, but I needed to get my act together. I was out in the woods pranking people and causing a ruckus, …and winning a 100 mile race was the absolute LAST thing on my mind. The irony of it all was actually pretty hysterical at the time, and fueled even more laughter for the rest of that loop.
The night continued in that manor, with me semi running [mostly laughing] circles of trail with Prophet Jen, Buellah, and Caleb (whom I renamed Llamaqueesha…just don’t ask…) until I only had about a marathon left in the race.
…A marathon? That’s it? Pshhh… I can do that in my sleep…I thought to myself.
I kept on moving easily, and the battle of missing my family didn’t pop into my brain much, because I was distracted by the fun of being with my friends. And as long as I was having fun making memories with them, then I was going to be okay…. because at that moment, I was doing what I needed to do…relaxing and having fun.
One Crappy Marathon Attempt!
I looked at the clock and realized I had about 7 hours until the 24 hour mark of the race to finish up that marathon which would bring my race sub 24- likely a bit faster than I had done last year. I was confident I could do it physically– mentally though I’ll admit I was a bit scared. I knew I had nothing deep to dig from. I knew I had no demons to battle. I knew I had no reason to push myself to the edge. But I continued to move.
…Just gotta move…
“Dude, Jen.. I can be done with this thing soon if I just hurry up and run.” I said to my friend.
“Yeah quit messing around and go finish this thing. You only have a marathon left” she said.
I remembered back to being in the same place last year when Jen was with me on the exact course, saying the exact same thing… “You only have a marathon left.”
That night it had lit a fire under my rear and I took off running harder than I had all day, and finished the race strong. I took a swig of Mountain Dew...because Mountain Dew tastes phenomenal in an ultra…I grabbed Caleb Llamaqueesha and some headphones and I took off running… but I had no fire under my rear this time. There was no real motivation. I just felt like running..
…and man I ran so freakin’ fast… So fast…. Caleb was behind me shouting at me to slow down, but I didn’t care. I was almost to 80 miles and every move felt like my first step. I was on top of the world..and secretly I was trying to see if I could make Caleb trip up on the technical trail, because he’s a barefoot junkie and was wearing his special little barefoot wonder sandals and I thought it’d be funny if he tripped… (just kiddin Llama. You know I love you.) But regardless, I was running good and really feeling it.
Caleb and I finished that loop together strong. I only had 7 loops to go to finish the race. I refueled and asked which of my friends was planning on going out with me…but the answer I got was like water on fire:
Jen had fallen asleep in her car, because-duh- it was the middle of the night.
Caleb had to go home- because it was the middle of the night.
Buellah was running with Brad, the guy he was actually there to crew…because it was the middle of the freakin’ night.
….Frick. I gotta go it alone? In the middle of the daggum night?….I thought.
And that tiny little thought, my friends, was a complete game changer for me…
Holy Crap. What Am I Doing Here!?
You see friends, I run alone 99.9 percent of my life. I run alone on trails. I run alone in the dark woods. I run alone in mountains and during long long races. I just really really like to run alone!! In fact I think it’s BEST to run alone because it builds mental toughness for moments just like the one I was experiencing! I even mentioned this on a TrailRunnerNation podcast recently.
So why was I all of the sudden bothered that I had to run alone??
Because I knew that I would be alone with my brain. And I knew that deep down, my brain wasn’t the same brain that attacked this course the year before. I didn’t need to be out here running this thing like I did last year….. I just didn’t want to admit that.
So I stuck my headphones in and trudged into the forest, far less enthusiastically than I had done the 20 some odd loops before this one. I could tell right away that things were changing, and it was out of my control. I suddenly felt the fatigue that had accumulated over the day and I began to walk. Not run-walk. Not power walk. Just straight up walk…like the walking-dead-zombie-without-a-brain walk.
The fun had gone away, and with it, my spirit.
I walked a couple miles and then the battle with brain began. Just like I knew it would.
...What the heck am I doing here? This isn’t fun any more. Screw finishing this thing. I wanna go home..
Whoa… I had NEVER had such a flippant thought during a 100. [EVER!!!!]
Ash, you’ve been low before. It’s just a part of the race, pick yourself up and go finish. You know what to do… I reminded myself.
But that’s the thing. I didn’t have any REAL interest in getting my act together and finishing….I quickly begged God to give me some clarity, then thumbed through my iPod searching for any ounce of motivation to propel me forward. I stumbled upon Sweet Disposition, and the memories from my first ultra race came flooding into my brain. It impacted me so much, but instead of taking off in a triumphant run, I literally just stopped and sat on a bench to process all of my thoughts.
(..I know, I’m really freakin’ emo …& can over analyze an orange.)
The music played, and I just sat and thought. That day-that first ultra- that was so special to me. It meant everything to me to finish that race. I needed it so freakin’ bad in my life. Same with my first 100, and Santa Barbara, and Ancient Oaks the year before. They were all such important milestones in my life, so why didn’t I care about this one?
I realized, while sitting on that stupid bench in the middle of a dark Florida forest, nearly 80 miles into a race that I was winning nonetheless, that I had NEEDED all of those races. They all came at perfect times in my life when I was going through some form of hell, or I needed to deal with demons from my past. They weren’t races. They were journeys….
It finally occurred to me that all of my reasons I had stated that I needed to run this race weren’t deep enough to carry me any further. There was nothing deep. Nothing spiritual. Nothing profound. I was running it for pointless superficial crap, and since the fun of it was over, my brain finally gave in.
….Holy crap. What am I doing here? I don’t need to run 100 miles. I didn’t need it at all. I missed an entire day at the beach with my family to be out in the freakin’ woods for no reason at all..
I suddenly felt an overwhelming repulsiveness at my decision to be out there all day. I pulled my knees up onto the bench, and buried my head in between my legs. I began to cry a couple of tiny “oh crap, I’m so stupid” tears. I have no idea how long I was there. I didn’t even put a watch, I realized, adding to my frustration. I eventually laid down and looked up at the stars… trying to get a grip on what all I was feeling.
I realized that I was a completely different woman than I was the last time I raced the course. Last time I needed the run. I needed it for therapy. This time, I had no need for therapy, therefore I had no need for the run. The realization that I had grown and changed so much was all pretty overwhelming, sad, and beautiful at the same time.
At some point, I guess I just thought so dang hard about it all that I actually fell asleep. Because the next thing I know, there was some random crusader leading me through the dense woods with me semi sleeping, saying something about getting me back to the aid station. I must have zombied all the way back to the start, because I have no idea who that man was, where he came from, how he found me, or anything… but I owe him a thanks. (Seriously, if you’re reading this random nice dude, please please shoot me a line so I can thank you personally!)
So I’m Done..With All Of It.
When I got back to the aid and finally woke up a bit, Jen was there, and I told her I was ready to go home and see my family. Of course she was there to fire back with the typical pacer stuff:
“Ashley shut up. You have like 12 hours to finish 20 miles before the cutoff. You could walk it backwards. Just stop talking and go out there and do it.”
“Jen. Seriously. I am kinda pissed at myself for even being out here. I could’ve spent the day with my kids at the beach. I didn’t need to do this today.”
“Well you already did 80 miles of it. Go finish what you started. You’re whole life image is based on running 100 milers. You can’t not finish. Imagine how much cred you’d lose for that.”
“I know. I know. I mean I could finish if I want to. I JUST DON’T WANT TO. I don’t give a flying frick who thinks what. I shouldn’t have even come out here today.”
“I told you you shouldn’t have! I told you that!! But now you’re already out here. Finish what you started!!”
At “finish what you started”, I felt a little plucking at my inner gut heart strings, so I picked my tired self up and started moving. I was shivering in my own sweat, my body unable to warm myself from a day of running, so Jen draped her sleeping bag over me and we started trudging towards the trail to do another loop.
“Atta girl.” Jen said.
Everything in my entire brain was telling me to call it a day, but “I needed to finish what I started” so I kept moving.
Jen tried to distract me, and we laughed together, but we had only walked a little less than a mile when I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Jen… I can’t do this. I’m not going any further. I know it’s not real for me. I don’t need to finish what I started today. I finished what I started a long time ago. I don’t NEED this anymore. I don’t need to keep moving..”
I bent over and thought long and hard about what to do next. Then I looked up at my friend and said, “I’m going home.”
She knew I meant it and she didn’t try to argue with me. Instead we just turned around and walked back to the aid station. I was still freezing cold, and exhausted, so I went inside of the only unlocked building- a bathroom- and laid down on the wet floor….look people, crap happens when you’ve ran 80 miles in the woods and had some strange life realization, okay?…and sorry Jen for putting your sleeping bag on the “venereal diseased floor”.
I slept for an hour or so – while everyone came in and snapped pictures of me passed out cold on a bathroom floor -and then I woke up, wrapped the blanket over my head, and cried silently into my shirt for a long long time.
I’m not sure exactly why I was crying, but I know it wasn’t because I wasn’t going to finish the race, or because I was hurting in any way. I think I was crying because I realized something that I realized a long time ago and refused to admit: My love affair with running 100 milers was over. And there was finally no denying that fact. I think I was mourning the loss of interest in what was a very special and important thing to me.
Time To Close The Book
Michelle popped into the bathroom and I asked her if she could grab Mike for me. I knew I needed to explain to him what was going through my head. Mike has been there since the very beginning of my journey, and has witnessed the ultra therapy play out right in front of his very eyes at my first ultra, his 40 mile race, and the year prior at Ancient Oaks. We’ve talked a lot about the emotional highs and lows in life, and how it’s all connected to running…
Mike came into the bathroom and plopped down right in front of me.
“What’s goin’ on Ash.”
“I think you know.” I said between tears. “You know me. You know what these races mean to me.”
“Yes. I know.”
“I’m just too happy in my life to finish right now. I can’t push another 20 miles Mike, because I have nothing left to push with. I can’t do 100’s anymore, I just can’t. I conquered everything I needed to conquer in my life, and now I’m done. I feel like going out there for another 20 miles will just take me back to that therapy zone, and I simply don’t need to experience that any more.”
“I know. I understand completely, Ash.” Mike said, wrapping me up in a big bear hug. “If these things aren’t good for you right now, then you don’t need to do them. Just like recovering alcoholics can’t go into bars.”
“You’re right. It’s time to close the book. I know it is.” I whispered between tears. We stayed locked in a hug for a few minutes as I cried on Mike’s shoulder, and he fed me more words of wisdom and encouragement. As I leaned back and wiped my eyes, I smiled at my friend, “Thank you so much, Mike.”
I knew for sure in that moment, it was time for me to go home….
My 100 mile journey was complete.
So what now?
Over the days that have followed Ancient Oaks, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my life and everything that’s happened over the past few years. I learned so much. I always do.
Toeing the line of a 100 mile race without a real reason or a need to do so, in my opinion, was one of the most pointless things I’ve ever done. Why did I go? …My image…? Just because..? Everyone else does them….? I don’t know, but none of those are good enough reasons! You know, I think the running realm, and constant bombardment of social media has skewed our images and ideas of these 100 milers. We all feel like we’re supposed to do them all the freakin’ time, or we’re supposed to do them period.. like if you decide to be an ultrarunner, well you better just go ahead and decide when you’re gonna do your first hundred.
But, why? Why do something SO challenging, SO painful, and SO time consuming without a real need to do so?
I feel like tackling a 100 is supposed to be more of a journey.. a pilgrimage in your life. And for me, they really were…Trying to finish one for superficial reasons can never give anyone that deep satisfaction that they crave. That’s true for me or anybody.
I’m positive that I will reach another time and place in my life when I need to use running 100 miles as a way to resolve things in my brain. Positive. Because that’s just the kind of person I am. But right now, things are just too good in my head to try to do something that requires a screwed up brain from me. Instead, my body and brain are craving adventure and laughter with my family and close friends.
During Ancient Oaks–that’s when I felt happiest– when I was laughing in the woods with my buds, and that is definitely what I need more of in my life right now.
The journey from my first race to this last attempt was incredibly powerful, and I’ll never forget it. These races have helped me grow into the woman that I am today. But the woman I am today isn’t the woman I was yesterday. The woman I am today doesn’t need a ton of running therapy, or a 100 mile run. She just needs her own two feet, her family, her friends, some miles and a couple of mountains.
And as long as I’ve got that and I’m smiling, …I’ll be okay…
Thanks for reading my race recap of the Ancient Oaks 100 Mile Endurance Run. It was a tad different than the stories you’re used to from me, I’m sure. But it’s me nonetheless. Don’t worry- I’m not done ultra running. I plan to spend 2013 adventuring across the globe running style with my family and friends, and I’m throwing in a couple of Under 100 ultra races for fun in there to keep me fit. Let me know your thoughts on this story by commenting below! Thanks for reading! 🙂 ~Ash
100 Replies to “Under Ancient Oaks”
Love it girl! You are my hero
Aw thanks Anji:):)
Legend, inspiring, amazing…what else is needed?
Haha too sweet, thanks for reading Michael!!!
Great post Ash. It is amazing the journeys running can take you on, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. It sounds like you are in a really good place right now. “Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change – this is the rhythm of living. Out of over-confidence, fear; out of fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.” – Bruce Barton
I am LOVING that quote Gene! You’re full of good stuff!! Thanks for commenting!
Reading this was so powerful for me. Thank you for writing and posting this. Thank you for being honest and open. I believe that people like yourself that can openly talk about parts of their lives that aren’t so picture perfect, sharing those inner conversations that at times aren’t what others may want to hear can help shape and change peoples lives for the better. Running is my therapy session and the streets my therapist, and reading your blog just plain old makes me happy!! Thank you
Diana- thanks for reading & commenting. Feels good to have someone say they can relate & understand!!! Enjoy your running!
One of the most awesome through lines to your post/story is how we (not you & I we, but more generally humans) do something NEW, have a great experience, then try to recreate that same experience over-and-over again. But we human beings aren’t static creatures. We continue to evolve. Your evolution over the past couple years is pretty rad, Ashley. This post isn’t about 100’s, but rather, allowing for things in our life to evolve and change and not try to hold them in that same place.
Every year, the races I do, 100’s or otherwise hold new meaning and take me on a new journey. I’m impressed you ran 80-miles in the mental state you were in. My last 100 I didn’t START because I knew I wasn’t 100% ready (mentally) to go through those motions.
I look forward to your next adventures, and someday, if you return to the hundo, what new meaning your evolution brings forth…
You’re so right Jimmy, we’re ever changing. See- I told you I don’t hate 100s:) just a new outlook on them. Next up is my post for the synch blogging- sorry my lazy butt didn’t get it out in time! Hang tight!!!
IF/when you post on “Pandora’s Race” I will happily link you to mine (and we can cross-link the others). Nobody’s stressin’ out about it. Like running 100’s, do it IF you’re inspired to and I like you whether you run 100-miles, syncro-blog or not.
Haha I feel like doing it, just had to get this post off my back and outta my head first:) thx jimmy!
Hey Ash– Thanks for sharing how you feel and not just what people may want to hear. Also loved how Jimmy Dean worded his thoughts. Good stuff both of you. Gene’s quote is now hanging on my wall and will be at my dest on Monday. Keep being real! It is duringt the journey that we learn who we are! P.S. do u know where I can by a used sleeping bag? On second thought never mind!
Hahaha you want that bag? Ill let Jen know we have a taker! Haha! I also loved those comments.. & yours!:) Thankful for kind words from friends & readers!
…..And to think, I thought you weren’t human!
The journey we take each time we step out on the trails lead us to where we belong.
BTW… loved the Drill Sergeant reference!
Hahahah I always love your comments- thanks Hazel!!!
I’m auctioning off the venereal disease covered sleeping bag to the highest bidder
I’m assuming anonymous is Prophet Jen…. Thank you for gracing my blog with your prophetic words of awesomeness….and for forgiving me for taking your sleeping bag to the venereal diseased floors… I love you.
haha that was me from my Iphone which I assumed you traced the IP number to and saw I was in the yoga parking lot. I also think its legit RunFan commented and sorry about humping you
I dropped in an ultra this fall for a similar reason.. I am happy with who I am where I am and what I am.. I was running for others.. and when it comes time to fight the ultra demon.. i had no interest…. its cool, way to go out there, way to realize whats awesome in life, and i look forward to your next adventure!
Crazy feelin’, ain’t it??! So what’d you do next??
I just ran for what i love. I focused on writing for http://www.trailsRoc.org and I am enjoying being in the dirt and mud on our local trails for reasons that i want, with people I want
Me too- that’s how I’ve felt all year! Feels good!!!!!!!
I get it.
Great post. It’s amazing when you have these huge moments in your life that show what you need isn’t what you thought you needed. It’s good to see you found you out there on the trails. Great story though and glad you know where your heart lies for now!
Thanks Lucas!! Yes felt good to find me. Bittersweet… But good:)
Thanks so much for sharing, Ashley! I love the honesty in this report, and I am motivated by your strength all the more. This particular story gives me some food for thought about my future. For my first hundred, I wanted that buckle more than anybody else (sort of like Charlie wanting the golden ticket), and that’s what got me to the finish. For subsequent races, if I’m not chasing down a demon or trying to validate myself in the midst of insecurities about other aspects of my life, I wonder how I will hold out in the latter miles of such a race. Umstead 100 in April, for example. I’ll have to think up some reasons to keep moving, I guess. 🙂
Thanks for reading, Jason! you’re such a trooper, and I know you genuinely love doing ultras! You have such a strong burning flame, I can’t imagine you having any difficulty finishing another 100. Loved reading about your finish at pinhoti, like I said in the email- your report meant a lot to me.
Fabulous post – your honesty with yourself and your love for family shines through.Thank you for sharing. Ultrarunning (and life) can be such a roller coaster ride. You captured that beautifully.
Aw what a kind comment. thanks so much Katie!! Yeah it is a roller coaster, and its a fun ride isn’t it??
Your an amazing woman Ash!!!!! Love your blogs, love how u live your life! Congrats on all you have accomplished!!!!
Jacqueline, thanks so much! That was sweet of you to comment!! Have a nice weekend:)
Thanks as always for your honesty. Great write up if it all. I think you are just awesome.
Aw thx heather! How have you been??? How’s running going?
Excellent summation toots! So proud of you. You are awesome and I love you lots.
Ahhhhh Thanks girl!!! I want to see you again Denise! How are you?!!
Whoa! Yowzers!! Do you remember what you said to me when we first met on that magical night at MB? “Thanks”. 🙂 Now I want to thank you, Ash, for all of the exotic running dreams you have given to me! 🙂 🙂 Dreams of running through the woods, running on the streets, and even the mountains. I’m new to the ultras but your stories are explosively rungasmic! I will crew you at your next race- even if it’s a 5k! 🙂 Just call my name and I’ll be there 🙂
Sounds like you may have learned more about yourself during this race than you realize. I always enjoy your stories…especially when you and Jen get together. Looking forward to the continuing saga of #AASugar! Ryan
Haha Ryan you want some #AASugar?? I can get you some free samples in exchange for your soul!!;)thx for commenting:)
wait, wait, wait… special little wonder sandals? and you were trying to trip me?! First of all, they are called Luna Sandals and/or Huaraches and they are freaking awesome. Secondly, I don’t trip. I have almost psychic propriaception. I freaking FLOAT on the trails, man. And thirdly, You. Are. Awesome. and I’m super proud to call you my friend and proud of how far you come in your life, running and otherwise. Most people will continue to push blindly ahead and try to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. I was grinning ear to ear at the parts about missing Angry Dan and the kids. Seems to me that you’ve finally found your balance :]
Awwww llamaqueesha…. You’ve been there for me so many times through these things. We’ve shared a lot of the journey together too. Thankful to know you – my crazy sandal pamphlet toting friend. 😉
yeah, I think when you try your hand at self-fulfilling prophecy (Death Before DNF) by almost dying and having epic hallucination freak outs at someones race, a special bond is formed. Lol.
HAHAHAHA yeahhhh, we definitely have a very unique bond, llamaqueesha. Now even more so, you agreeable ho.
Totally get it. 9 Ironmans in and I am like “uhhhhh….why again?” Awesome write up.
Haha now I am thinking after reading your comment that this could have been a much quicker blog post!!!!;)
You are inspiring me to run an ultra!! Hmm…maybe one day…
Really? That’s awesome!!! Thx for reading my blog!:)
Wow. Great post. It made me realize that I run to help cope with my crazy life. Sanity.
You are an amazing runner and I can’t wait to see where your running travels will take you.
Yeah I think a lot of us run for those reasons! Thx for reading & commenting
I’ve literally been checking twitter everyday, every couple of hours waiting to read this next story of yours. Big fan of your writing and you inspire me with your outlook on life. So thanks for that and I’m glad to hear you have the most important parts of life figured out.
Aw thanks for reading! I hope my post wasn’t too much of a let down!!
Ash, I am addicted to you and your blog. I love your tweets. The way you write so transparently speaks to me and you are so smoking hot too. I just wish I could run right beside you any time you go on your running escapades. There is just something special about you.
Thanks for the compliment Samantha! What’s your twitter handle??
Ashley — I am so glad we have gotten to know each other and that we can talk about the real stuff. I enjoyed our talk at North Coast and I love that you are “emot” 🙂 I get why you didn’t finish and I understand about the demons. I will always support you, no matter what you decide. I’m glad you are not giving up ultras completely — you are TOO good! We never have it all figured out — life is a journey with ups and downs, good times and bad. Reminds me of running 100 miles :). Enjoy your life!
You’re such a good friend, Juli! I’m so thankful to know you!!! I owe you a long phone call! Wanted to talk more in depth about why I dropped.. Talk to u soon..
I was actually quite suprised to hear you didn’t complete AO 100 after listening to TRN. Stay centered and focused. You have had a sucessfull series of races. It’s been like a dream for me this year. After just starting to run in March. In October at Rio Del Lago completing my first 100. Now down for 3 weeks due to a hernia surgery. I will have to find my center again. Your stories have been very inspiring. Hopefully I’ll see you at GA Death March in March!
Haha yeah Clint, it definitely appears to defy my work ethic & mentality that I discussed on TRN- but it’s actually completely unrelated. I felt I was comprising who I was as a person if I kept running. I know physically I could have easily handled it and pulled out another win.. But I felt any step further was going against my true self. Ill be at Ga Death Race for sure- gonna race that one as hard as I can. You’ll see more of the “toughness” that everyone is used to from me, there! LOL! Thanks for reading & commenting!
I wouldn’t let any distance define you. You have to realize that you can kick ass at any distance. Besides, any distance from 5K to 100miles can teach you something about yourself.
I love reading your stuff !!! You really bring out the love-hate relationship you have with running!!! Keep on keepin it real!!!
You’re right! I love that any race has the potential to be “the hardest ever”! Thanks for reading– it’s definitely a love hate thing… But in the end mostly just love:):):):)
Ash, wow! What a great post. Thanks for sharing. You are very good writer, with a great simple (sure there is a more appropriate word to use I just can’t come up with it) style that really allows the reader to connect with you and your emotions. You really should consider a book.
Aww josh such a sweet compliment! Thanks for that:):)
Absolutely beautiful, honest and sincere! I cried. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Tabaitha I cried too HAHAHAHA & it was my own story… such a baby!! LOL thx for reading!
Hey found you on trailrunnernation podcast. Came here to check your site. Great story you wrote here. It reveals the journey we all have inside. My whole perspective on running has changed as well. I’m wanting to build my way up to running some ultras, but gotta get my first marathon in first. Got injured after running the Athens Half, pushing my body too hard. Boy has that taught me a lesson. Ever since, the last couple months, I’ve been foam rolling and learning more about the body. I consider myself to be fairly fit and never expected to be dealing with injury. But I believe its been a huge blessing. I finally know how much it means to be able to move and just go running. I mean to just enjoy it. That was the component I was missing. Taking it easy to just enjoy running, living life in the moment. You know, no pressures for speed, distance. Nothing. I think our physical bodies “talk it out” in ways we don’t understand. Especially when it comes to running. To me, every run is a journey just like you say. There is no single run without purpose. I think on this run you found out that you’ve grown as a person. And you care for your family and know where your priorities are and how your family and friends fit into them. So, in the end, Its really not about the speed or distances we run. Its about the journey of the relationship we create within ourselves between what our physical bodies can do and what our minds wish to find and accomplish. And I believe, at some point, we all cry out to God for help, because we realize that we’re really not on this journey alone. And that’s when we really start the journey. With Him.
May God bless you much,
LOOOOOVEEE this comment!!!!! I agree wholeheartedly! Thanks for reading & adding your input. Have a great week..
Hi Ash, personally I think that all of us we start in the running world as a challenging, trying to run for the first time 5 km, then you increase ’till 10km , a half marathon… perhaps you have a friend who recommends you “why you don’t try a trail running race?”… every year you are increasing work and distance, and suddenly you’re fighting in an Ultra Trail ! But he most important question is, are you doing it for yourself o you want to demonstrate something to anybody else? Are you enjoying with all this stuff? Run against the chrono is not always funny. You have to find the good feelings wherever they are.
I liked your post.
Try to be happy, and enjoy your life.
Meanwhile, I’ll follow your amazing-dreamy-evocative pics in IG !
Haha thank you!! I love your IG!! I am definitely continuing to seek out “happy with a large dose of discipline.”
Yes!!!!!!! Smile with everything you got, girl. Your on fire. 🙂
Ha! I love this.
Very well said! GREAT blog, Ash!!! : )
Well thank you!!!! :):)
Wow. Sounds like a very intense and emotional day. One thing about running is you need to do it for yourself. Once it no longer becomes fun or something that you enjoy, it becomes something else. I’m early in the stages of “pushing myself” to go further and faster. I want to do these things. I want to see how “strong” I can become physically and mentally. 100s is not your identity. Because I blog under “pavement” it doesnt mean I am limited to that, it just means that is a part of me.
Right now running is not something that I consider work. It is something I do and something I enjoy sharing with others.
I’m glad to be a part of the ultra Clique, regardless of the distance. Ultras are really all about the adventure and the journey, less about the distance. Well, less once you’ve done it.
Great share AshRunsAwesome
I loved your comment pavement boy. You are definitely part of the ultimate clique. One day we will run together for sure!!!!!!! I’m craving some trail running in wild places more than ever. Stay tuned!
You made the right decision Ash! I walked away from IH last yar at 50 miles because I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t have an explanation and have felt bad until I read your AO report. Many thanks!
Thank you for reading it Jim! Nice to hear from you & get your feedback!:)
Ash, you are exceptionally beautiful. Inside and outside, you are beautiful. You have that rare spark that every human craves and admires. Thank you for sharing your deep personal thoughts here for us to read. Your mind is quite fascinating. I will be following along to see where your journey takes you. Yes, sweetheart, keep smiling.
Not sure who this is, but thanks for the sweet compliment! I’m definitely always happy & smiling. Life is easier when you’re intentionally happy.:)
Three questions for you. First, like someone else said in these comments, when are you going to write the book? For purely selfish reasons (because I want to read it), I think you need to write the story of your life so far. Dean K’s got nothing on you, you’ll be a best seller!
Second, more of a suggestion that a question. I propose that you hit the track, work on your speed and become an Olympic level sprinter for the sole purpose of keeping the Ash Runs 100s moniker alive. 100 metres is the new 100 miles?
Third question. After listening to you a couple times on Trail Runner Nation, when are you going to start your own podcast? You’re hilarious and awesome. The world (or perhaps it’s just me being selfish again) needs your positivity blasting out of it’s earbuds on a consistent basis.
Anyway, I’m glad you wrote that up there. Even if you never run another step, let alone another 100 mile race, I’m sure your life will be lived full of passion and energy and positivity. You rock, thanks for it all.
I loved this comment so much, I wasn’t joking when I said it made my day!!! You’re not the first person to say they want me to write a book… I don’t know why though, I don’t find myself particularly interesting! And funny thing, I’m built for short distances, I’m very fast on a track. I have thought hard about making that switch just to see if I could excel or not.:):) Thanks for following along, Andy, Love to hear feedback like yours!
I’m left speechless. I was entranced and moved.
I recently found your blog and the few stories I have read on your blog has inspired me to start running; well… more of a walk/jog. I’ve never been a runner and I’m just starting therefore, I am having to rebuild my body and it’s a painful process. I am not training for anything. I just like the way I feel being outside.
I just want to say (from one stranger to another) that I am so very happy for you! Thank you for being real. I don’t care if you don’t run “100′s.” You still are an inspiration to me and obviously to many others. Whatever you find yourself doing this time forward we hope you feel free to share with your community.
As for choosing your “Family”, I couldn’t commend you more. There is nothing more precious in life that the relationships we build with our closest loved ones.
Paul, you started running? That’s awesome!!! Congrats!!! Seriously! You know, I love nothing more than to go for a run in the woods. Trail running has completely changed my life- I’m certain of that. I hope you feel the same way. Thank you for your sweet comment- do you have a blog? I’ll follow along.
Thank you Ashley for your reply. I have been a long time walker but, yes… You single handedly motivated me to pick up my pace. I have never been a runner so this is new to me and I am enjoying it.
I first saw a tweet from you through a retweet from Nevada Tourism I think. It was a photo of you overlooking Red Rock on a desert trail. The photo just hit me. I wanted that. I don’t know if I would ever be interested in a race but, trail running the beautiful places of this earth sound enticing. Thank you for your honest and inspirational contribution to this community.
Well thank you for sharing! That is too cool. I remember the photo you are talking about! I prefer just running to racing any day- just so incredible to be alive.
I need more ASH in my life! Do you have a blog schedule posted anywhere so I know when I can look forward to more postings?
Hahaha. Thanks! I do not have a schedule… schedules suck the life out of me. I tend to just write whenever I feel inspired or do something I feel is share worthy. I’m kinda rounding out a year of fast paced craziness with some major downtime and relaxation, so my posting is pretty nonexistent at the moment. However, I was recently awarded a Brooks Media sponsorship for 2013. I’ll be traveling, writing, and running a lot so I will most definitely have much to share. Subscribe to the blog if you haven’t already, and you can also follow me on Twitter & Instagram @AshRuns100s & YOUTUBe user AAadventureCo. Thanks for following!!!
As they say, a true winner knows when to call it quit and when to resume the fight. You’ll be ready when you are. We certainly don’t need to run ultras to validate our lives. Family and friends come first. I think ultras are not a very healthy sport, anyway. It is better run them moderately.
Hey Thomas thanks for the comment. Yeah, I agree. “moderately” is the key! You live and learn… Glad I learned. haha!
Somehow I missed this one back in December. Tears are still rolling down my checks. I can’t personally relate to you on overcoming your addiction and finally laying all your demons to rest, and I can’t relate to running a 100 miles. But your story brought me back 10 years when I walked away from long distance triathlons forever. It’s so difficult to put in the 20 hours a week of training and the half day of racing when you feel like you should be somewhere else.
But my tears are not of sadness. I don’t feel sorry for me or for you. I just cry whenever the beautiful side of human character is revealed (such a big, tough guy, right?). Even though I’ve never swam another lap in a pool, or clipped into my pedals and dropped onto my aero bars again, I’ve found love and joy again on the trails. I don’t swim laps or ride tri bikes for one simple reason – they don’t bring me pleasure. And if I was going to venture out on to a limb and say that you and I have anything in common (other than our desire to live in Hawaii), it’s that every time you see a hill in the distance, or a trail through the woods, you’re thinking about how much you want to be on it – smelling it, feeling it, running it!
Whether you run another 100 miler or not should matter to nobody but yourself. You’ve inspired so many of us with your awesome stories of going long. Thank you for taking the time to share. Now it’s time to go out and find what inspires you. And regardless of what that is, you’ll always be @ashruns100s to me. Good luck and keep us posted.
MANNNN dangitt now your comment made me cry Steve!!!!!! Thanks for your kind words. One day we’re all hooking up and hitting those HAWAII trails together!!!!
Really good stuff, yet again.
Thank you Jeff!