Double Top 100 and Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes.

Double top: The fact I am facing is that this 100 is likely to destroy me. My defending logic is that a 100 is a cure all mental boost.

Hmm.

The straight up, un-sugarcoated honest truth… I’m in pretty bad shape. I’m not gonna go into details, bc frankly it’s none of yo biz..

Just kidding.

No I’m not going into details bc they are not very happy (at all) and this blog is read by thousand of people who like running, boring emo stuff, or John travolta and robert deniro, and..I don’t know, but I guess it kinda freaks me out a bit to tell the world about my personal health!!!!!!

So, all nonsense aside, psychologically and medically I am going through some intense stuff.

I am almost positive that running Double Top 100 is probably out of my reach right now. I haven’t done more than 50 miles or so this month. Probably a lot less. And yet while this quad is almost forcing me back to crutching around, I’m still planning to hit double top 100 at the end of next week.

I know….stupid.

Y’all this is straight up psychology.

Furreal.

While my body and mind are fighting a raging battle, I’m explaining away my reasoning for finishing another 100. (????)

“It will make everything feel better.”
umm yeah and when was the last time THAT happened

“I’ll be able to clear my head.”
sure, while I’m tackling probably the 2nd hardest ultra I’ve ever done? Pshhh. Yeah right.

“I’m well rested at least.”
sure, well rested enough that
youve had jack amount of energy to even get up to get dressed in the morning!!!

Seriously, it makes no sense. I know that realistically, this 100 will spit me up, chew me out, kick out my friggin teeth, and drop me flat on my face. I know.. Okay?

But, I’m still planning to do it.

This is the first time I’ve ever approached 100 miles without confidence in my ability to finish.. To finish even half for crying out loud.

But for some reason, that isn’t bothering me. Why? Shoot, I don’t know, I’m just blaming the whole psychology thing!

The only legit excuse for going out there that I can’t place under the cognitive dissonance umbrella would have to be this one:

“It will be nice to explore the great outdoors and talk with Big Man for a day.”
yeaah… Or I could just go for a freakin stroll around the local park?

Dangitt. There went my best excuse!

…and if the weather fails.. Well.. Then that just sucks bc there goes any last legit excuse possible.. and I’ll just be trudging around in the rain, probably slapping myself across the face or something.

So yeah, I am well aware that I am gambling with my ability to run the rest of 2012, and what have you.. No big.

I never do the smart thing, ever. People are always screaming at me “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEARN!!??”

And honestly I don’t know why.
It’s just how my brain functions, and it scares the heck out of me too.

It is what it is.

So next post I’ll let you people know if I survive the mountains. SURVIVE meaning anything other than coming home in a casket. Ha. That is so messed up.

……Lord, please don’t let my mother read this post. Amen.