You can’t break away from it.
That thirst–that insatiable wretched beautiful thirst–it calls to you like a siren.
It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing, it will attack you without warning…calling out to you, tugging at the deep sacred conclaves of your inner being:
You’re different.
And once you’ve satisfied that craving, even if momentarily, it will hunt you down like a hungry wolf until you come to terms with it again.
Your soul KNOWS you need pain. It KNOWS you need to struggle. God Himself KNOWS you need to feel the utmost discipline to find true satisfaction.
You want it nonstop.
But instead of breaking the beautiful Americana quilted pattern, you stay your charted course– fraying up the fabric only every now and then–enough to feel tattered and beaten, but certainly not broken.
Are you scared or are you smart?
Will you ever really find your calling? Can you ever come face to face with the wild “free spirit” you’re created to be? …reckless abandon wreaks havoc on your brain.
You’re a double-minded woman, but there’s hope for you yet…
You will live with a mask: hiding your daring secret of lust for the mess and the dirt.
You will sneak away before dawn, to drink your pain under the moon.
You will conceal your bloodied and broken knees on Sundays–to save face–knowing that your dance in the dirt brought Him a smile anyway.
You will wash away your long hours of sweat, mud, and tears by nightfall, but your canvas will never fully dry.
…and you’ll do it all while questioning satisfaction, until you dig deep enough at yourself to remember…
You’re a mustang. You’re a wild raging stallion hidden among a never ending supply of thoroughbreds.
Deep down you know you like it that way….you know it.…because while your heart yearns to soar among thousands of unchained hooves, your will and your grit remains unchallenged behind the gates.
Wild…Free…Meant to be?
You can taste it. Sometimes.
But you can’t….ever…really…have it.
And that tortured craving just might keep you hungry enough.
“the funny thing about survival is that all we want when we’re stuck out there is home.”
________________________________
PS. Ack. Wow. Couldn’t sleep…Haven’t posted on a whim like that in ages! Go ahead and take a stab at what you think this post meant! But to be honest, I wont tell you if you’re right or wrong ;)…. Ha.
So.. I’m going to California to run THIS next week. And guess what? it’s not a 100 but its LONG! 81 miles long! I’m bringing Amber & introducing a new friend -Ange! We will run the entire 81 miles together. Then Amb and I are road tripping up the coast to run & visit a friend. I can’t wait to share another story with all of you. Leave your thoughts below! I love to hear from everyone. ~Ash
ASHRUNS100s 
Deep, AshRuns80s! Best of luck to you and your friends.
Ha! Thanks. & btw i have a feeling that one is going to stick a bit longer now.
Ash
I get you and I sometimes feel trapped in a never ending rat race as well. I think we all do. I dare say I would not appreciate running as much if it was not my quiet escape from life.
Keep on keepin on!
🙂 agreed, thx for the comment!!
I think you are inside my mind, reading my very thoughts! Love you, adventurous kindred spirit!
🙂 you get it!
Zoinkies!!! Your vivid descriptons of raw emotion gave me a tidal wave of a rungasm 🙂 🙂
Messy
Sorry I can’t make it to CA to cheer you on. We will chill next time for sure!!! Keep doing your thing and stay in touch 😉
You are sad, pathetic and disgusting. Dont you have anything better to do with your time?
RUN FAN IS BACKKKKK!!!! & he’s swinging! Runfan – we’ve missed you. Welcome back to the secret world of runner blog stalking.
NICE! I can’t wait to hear about your next crazy fun adventure. Enjoy every mile and moment!!
Thanks!! I will definitely be soaking all of this one in. Need it:-)
Quite honestly Ash, I can’t even begin to relate – hence a boring life. Part of me envies you and wishes that I would have at least tried to cultivate some of that in my younger days. I guess in some ways that could be a curse and a blessing huh?
But you’re full of such good advice, so you must have done something right!! 🙂 I think “fear of regret” is a real driving force in my life.
“Fear of regret”? Definitely a thought to chew on for awhile. I could be days on this one.:)
This was beautiful. You are beautiful.
Thanks, “someone”
Desert… something I need to see, somewhere I need to camp. Right now, the mountains are calling. Specifically, the San Juans. And one peak in particular. I need my road trip fix. Reading this is making me look rather longingly at the road! Dang you!
Don’t lie — you were thinking it anyway!!!!!!! 🙂
Well, you got me there. Gonna have to settle for some Okie trails for now. But soon, my friend, soon. Me and a peak, in very thin air.
DOOO ITTT!!! I’m running in Santa Barbara again next week. Drooling over old pics right now. MAN I LOVE IT
Nice! Would love to see that part of Cali. Can’t wait to read about the report post-race. Kick some butt and enjoy it!
Maybe I have 4 kids and run ultras because I don’t want that boring life. There are some things I like having form/structure, but also know that in order to change for the better, sometimes just need to let go. That can be on a trail, writing, or in a car with screaming kids. Listen to the universe for advice and try a new path.
Yeah for real- i appreciate the fun running gives me. and letting go & just flowing with it is so much better for me too. Hahah “car with screaming kids” same here
owww owwww! Let’s gooooooooooooo! SO excited to see you in a couple of days. As usual, great writing, when it flows, it flows. You my friend are like a volcano.
Aw … I love you.