Winder Walmart

I have had the worst luck ever while trying to blog lately. I don’t know why, but every time I try to get a thought onto the comp I get stuck and end up drafting it. I have a lot of drafts.. but that does nobody any amount of good.

It may have something to do with the fact that I’m training hard again, that the kids are home for the summer jumping all over my face, or it could be Daniel’s fault somehow.. actually, yeah, it is Daniel’s fault. I blame Dan for everything. He impregnated me when I was 18 and things really haven’t been the same since.

Hahahah. Just Kidding. Really…..Seriously.

So, I generally like to blog about random crap to get my writing thoughts flowing again. Today’s topic? Winder Walmart. And how does it relate to running? It doesn’t. Sorry ’bout your luck.

WINDER WALMART

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For those of you that don’t know, I live in a quaint charming little town right in the heart of the beautiful South: Winder home-sweet-home Georgia. It’s a lovely little place capturing the spirit of Dixie with every twist and turn of shady dirt road. Surrounded by oak trees, this “City of Opportunity” is full of smiling faces, and picket fences. There’s really no place quite like it…

HA!!!!! No.. no… that’s really completely untrue. While there “really is no place like it”, let me tell you about the real Winder:

Winder: definition: (n) The hairy armpit of the South. (adj) skanky, or trashy. Ex. Ew that girl is so Winder!

The main attraction of this God-forsaken place is a massive dump that the locals refer to as “The Mountain”, and other than the giant flame coming out of said trash pit, there really isn’t much else the town is known for… except this: The Winder Walmart.

The Winder Walmart is a special place. Why? Primarily because it has the most photos uploaded to PeopleofWalmart.com But also because in going there, you will never leave without an adventure or a great story to share with future generations.

What makes it so great? The people. The people make it great. The Winder Walmart attracts humans of another breed to come out of the woodwork. Only here can you find the mustached woman, the 700 pound man, the blue mullet, the rebel flag shirt guy, and a family of inbreds all in one place. It really is that special. Scientist have yet to discover why this particular Walmart attracts such a daily diverse crowd, but theories have pointed to a number of things: the nearby abundance of trailer parks, the local history involving the KKK, and the general population of low-lives, baby daddies, and “un-edumuh-cated” folks… to name a few…

But what else makes it [unofficially] award winning? Sights and Sounds of course.. mainly sounds. It is not unlikely that while shopping for some toilet paper, you will here a loud-mouthed redneck yelling at his kids,

“Shuuutt uppp youuu stuuuppiidd brratt whiinin’ kee–yadds!!! Don’t aks for no paappurr towwllss to wippee yurrselvess we ain’t buyy’n youu nuttin.”

(Tranlastion: Shut up you stupid brat whining kids! Don’t ask for any paper towels to wipe yourselves. We aren’t buying you anything!)

It is also quite common to see a domestic dispute of Jerry Springer caliberplay out right in front of your very eyes!! All though it is rare, you may sometimes spot a couple of obese women on the floor, fists swinging, fighting over who has rights to which of the 5 kids surrounding them. However, these occurrences are typically broken up by local law enforcement before they can get too wildly entertaining. As a result, Winder Walmart enthusiasts may only witness screaming matches, or produce-section food fights if they don’t visit the Winder location often.

Another key ingredient to Winder Walmart awesomeness is the checkout lane. Deciding which lane and cashier you pick would be like a Christmas party at an ex’s house: Tons of faces, all of them awkward. You can usually have your pick between 5 check-out lanes:

One belongs to Angry Eyebrows Lady, a woman with tattooed eyebrows in the form of a permanent angry expression.. she is scary looking, but doesn’t speak, so no real mental harm done there.

Or there is Triple Safety Bagger, the woman with a beard that literally triple bags each item individually, and then hand sanitizes after scanning each item. She is clean, despite her unruly beard, but her lane takes at least 43 minutes to clear.

There is The Overly Happy Guy, an eccentric middle aged man that is super sweet, but borderline inappropriately so. He oozes with loud funny noises and compliments towards the children, and while nothing is immediately wrong with his lane, his special kiddy attention freaks everyone out...just a little bit. So we avoid it out of fear of our children’s lives.

The other two are self-checkout…a place where all is usually well with the world until the automated system screams “unrecognized item in the bagging area” a few hundred times…

And while all of the fun is usually on the inside, the outside of Winder Walmart is also a force to be reckoned with! Puppies and kittens are constantly for sale out of the back of a lifted pick-up, droves of carts randomly litter the lanes-sometimes flipped over, and people tailgate with fried chicken and beer at all hours for no particular reason. This usually keeps things interesting enough to bring you back for more sightseeing.

That about sums it up. All-in-all, the Winder Walmart really is a place you can’t miss! If you’re looking for an experience, we have it here in the golden “City of Opportunity”…and yes.. they actually do call it that.

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Got a Walmart memory to share? Like this or can you relate?? COMMENT below!:) Thanks!-Ash

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19 thoughts on “Winder Walmart

  1. You had the choice to train under my expert guidance, but foolishly turned it down. This passed opportunity would have led to relocating to my beautiful home country and you wouldn’t be so bloody miserable at your home town Walmart. Cheers!

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  2. Great to see you at Hot To Trot the other day, Ashley! It’s been awhile, and I’m glad that you and Daniel made it out there. Looking forward to running some future races with you!
    I’ve never been to the Winder Walmart, but I’ve been to the one on Cobb Parkway a time or two.

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      • I’m already signed up for Merrill’s Mile 24-Hour on Labor Day Weekend in Dahlonega. The course is apparently an exact mile in length, and it’s shaped like a long oval (Think of a conventional track stretched out to a mile distance.) in the middle of an Army base where mountains and trees loom over the open area on both sides. The course has just ten feet of elevation for the first half mile, then ten feet of descent for the second half mile. At any point during the race, you’ll be able to see all of the other participants along the course.

        I figure that I’ll either do very well at this event, or I’ll have to be institutionalized after just a few hours out there!

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