Solutions for the Troublesome Outdoorsy Wife

Since the very beginning of time itself, one question has constantly plagued the wives of the outdoor loving breed..

How can a trail craving, earth chasing wife succeed at her domestic duties while remaining true to her wild woman ways?

One may never truly know. Yet one can speculate, theorize, and ultimately form a somewhat decent hypothesis on this trying matter.

Let us focus on a few of these wife/outdoorswoman contradictions, and explore some possible solutions:

1) Meals.
While the Outdoor wife is quite happy to enjoy a delicious meal of ClifBars, Honey Stingers, and probably anything raw, the man of the household may not be happy with meals such as these. Men eat steak. Granted, outdoor wives probably eat steak too, we are usually content to just eat on the go.. before or after the run.. The quicker the better.
Ah, the problem arises! The man wants meals. But silly female, she spent so much time exploring every nook and cranny on the local trail, that she never read the cookbook her Aunt Ethel gave her at the wedding.. nor did she want to. But, there must be a way to resolve this rationally.

Solution No. There isn’t. There is no logical solution here. Outdoor women do not cook. You must fake your way through recipe cards, steal meals from your neighbors, or confess your distaste for the kitchen all together. It is imperative to the marriage that you somehow find a way to appease the man’s stomach, as it contains the keys to his happy demeanor. Buy him meat, feed him well, rub his tummy. Remember this before you run the day away, it is all very important.

2) Sleep The outdoor woman spends her days roaming the earth, in search for her next grand adventure. At the end of her high mileage daily conquests, she is quite fatigued and irritable. The man, seeking to fulfill his instinctive desire to create offspring, approaches the tired female with high hopes, yet is turned off by her lack of care in making herself a desirable woman.

Solution do not- I REPEAT- DO NOT wear your running clothes to bed under any circumstances. If you have no interest in investing in even some cheap lingerie, you simply must forego all clothing and hope for the best. The outdoor women should be okay with this solution, as she lives for life in the raw. Priorities, woman, priorities. Bathe, smell feminine, and get the job done.

3) Children While in your mind, it may seem perfectly acceptable to deny your children of proper schooling to give them a life on the wild side, they may not fully agree with you in 20 years. Nor might ANYONE ANYWHERE, including your husband, find your sorry excuse of “homeschooling” which includes all major tree identification, worthy of time.

Solution either screw what everyone thinks and start taking your kids to outdoor school of hard knocks, or drudge through the k-12 agenda regardless of your hesitation to do so. This really is a matter of personal belief and how much you really value your love for the outdoors…. or your kid’s life… No big deal.

4) Cleanliness The outdoor female is not a clean female. She does not have a French manicure, ANY toenails, flawless skin, or clean clothes. Yes, she is sexy, because dirt is sexy. And NO. Her house is not clean. She isn’t home to clean it! Cleanliness is relative. The 5 second rule is the 5 day rule for the outdoor woman. “It was only on the ground for a few days it should be good to eat. Just dirt anyway.”

Solution there is nothing wrong here. But if your spouse thinks there is something wrong here, you have married the wrong person. An outdoor female must find a suitor that encases far more testosterone than she. This is, in fact, the hardest part of being an earth craving woman.

5) Surviving the American Dream if you are married with children, you may have realized that the rest of your family doesn’t quite desire to live, sleep, eat, and breathe the great outdoors quite as much as you do. You may find that you often neglect so-called important things while you are out on the trail. These things, such as car notes, taxes, power bills, breakfast, are nothing important.. Just little things that may need attention too.

Solutionfind a fellow outdoor enthusiast to gently remind you that duty calls beyond the single track! My dear friend, Amber, has stepped up as my voluntary life coach extraordinaire to chew me out when I neglect things like teacher conferences, and such as. Also, the outdoor woman may find it of the utmost importance to marry a man with a good strong brain that can handle the taxing demands of daily American life that she may slack on. See numbers 1 & 2 on how to keep said man happy if he must take on your responsibilities.

While many other lifestyle challenges plague the realm of the outdoor girl, these seem to be the most challenging. May God Almighty smile upon you, and your lack of skills for doing anything but conquering the outdoors!

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One thought on “Solutions for the Troublesome Outdoorsy Wife

  1. Haha, I am 21 woman married, and doing undergrad school. We are living in the heart of town in a small box for an apartment and I understand that wild women crave the outdoors! I miss the trees and running free out in the country. But I pick my time when I can to get a taste of open space. Loved your post, made me crack up! I can relate to a lot of things you said.

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